Every couple gets into arguments. It is a more frequent occurrence for some, and for others, it is less. Quarrels are perfectly normal, no matter how much love you share.
Still, some relationships easily sail out of the stormy waters. And disagreements gradually destroy others. Why is it so?
It goes without saying that there is no one specific thing that guarantees the success of any relationship — and why some couples get along better than others . However, one crucial difference may lie in understanding love languages.
A love language is a form in which one expresses love.
We might be lucky to meet someone who conveys love like we do. In that case, we will instantly feel that our emotional needs are met. Recognizing that we are loved, we will enjoy blissful times together.
Yet, we might fall in love with a person who does not speak the same love language. That does not mean the relationship is doomed. Learning about your and your partner’s love languages can deepen your relationship instead of letting it crumble under constant falling-outs.
In this article, you will learn about:
The history of love languages The 5 love language types Why it is essential to understand your own primary love language How to find out your and your partner’s love languages Reservations to love languages theory Note: While we will be speaking about how we feel loved and appreciated in a romantic partnership, the principles of love languages apply to all relationships.
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What are Love Languages? History of the Love Languages Concept The history of researching where conflicts in romantic relationships arise is quite extensive. However, in 1992, Gary Chapman published his observations as a couple and marriage counselor. He offered a new perspective on why couples quarrel.
His book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
The book was on the New York Times best-seller list for four years, and is published in over 50 languages. In 2015 Gary Chapman published a revised edition of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts .
The basic tenet of Chapman’s theory is that we all express love in one or two of five different ways. Also, we more easily recognize love when manifested in that specific manner. Chapman named these articulations of love — the five love languages.
He suggested that there were five such general ways we communicate affection. We will talk about each in detail shortly.
According to Chapman, you may regularly express love to your romantic partner. But the question is — do you communicate care so they can hear it? If so, it will put wind in your relationship’s sails.
And if not — and if you do not put effort into learning to do so — your relationship might deteriorate even with love present. Unfortunately, Chapman says that very few of us know how to show fondness in a way that bears meaning to our loved ones. And on the other hand — you can quickly learn to change your practices if this is the case for you.
Unlike compatibility of personalities , compatibility in love languages is easier to achieve with dedication.
Your Personal History of a Love Language How does it happen that we speak a particular love language over another? Your childhood may hold the keys to how you express love as an adult.
In other words, what we see growing up and how we were raised has as much impact as our personality (and sometimes more so). This includes not only how you were treated but also the interaction between the people who raised you.
Your caregivers might have, for example, been very verbal about loving you and being proud of you. When they spoke their words of affirmation and praise, it made you feel loved and cared for. You now mimic the ways your parents communicated love in your adult relationships.
In other instances, we grew up missing a clear expression of love in some aspects, and now we seek it from our partners. For example, your parents might not have hugged and kissed you as much as you needed. And now you need physical touch, like holding hands while walking, to feel loved by your spouse.
The opposite can also happen, especially if your parents didn’t show much affection toward each other — it could make you pull away from physical touch (even though it’s what you might need the most).
What Are the 5 Love Language Types? Chapman says we all speak some of the five general love languages. We usually use one dominant type of love expression and one that comes second. Chapman’s love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch.
These five love languages describe how you express love to your partner and where you seek confirmation about their love for you.
Chapman calls the part of our personality that relates to our need for love our "emotional love tank". This can be equated with Maslow's need for love and belonging, but Chapman talks specifically about how we are all different in terms of how we prefer to receive love and what makes us feel appreciated.
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Gary Chapman on Oprah's Lifeclass — How Full Is Your Love Tank?
Let’s explore what each looks like.
Primary Love Language: Words of Affirmation If Words of Affirmation are your preferred love language, you recognize affection when expressed verbally.
You consider it vital to be explicit about how one feels — in person or through messages and social media. It can be a heartfelt "I love you" or a more elaborate "I love you for your generosity, kindness, passion, and shiny disposition," for example.
It feels reassuring to hear the “I love you" repeatedly. Interestingly, according to a study , men are more likely to be the first to utter those words in a new relationship. Cultural pressure for men to be the pursuers and women to be less direct about their interests could cause such tendencies.
Verbal acknowledgment and praise are something you value and need. In a way, you need your partner to be the wellspring of positive thoughts for you. You feel cherished when your partner talks about what you did right or commends your positive traits. Hearing “Thank you” when you do something nice signifies you are treasured. You yearn for such an expression of love.
Preferring this love language means you especially appreciate it if your partner shows they paid attention to details. Saying the kind words of affirmation, “You did great,” is fine. But “You put a lot of time and effort into preparing that presentation. That commitment is why “I love you so much” wins extra points.
Just to be clear, words of affirmation don't need to be spoken. Taking a few minutes to send quick texts, share uplifting quotes, or write love notes is a simple act to help your partner feel appreciated.
Research revealed that there are many ways in which people show love verbally. The same study also confirmed that frequently hearing such a statement of love correlates with physical health, mental health, and overall well-being.
Primary Love Language: Quality Time Love is associated with undivided attention for those whose Quality Time is the dominant love language.
You cherish focused time dedicated to one another. You feel connected to your partner when you hang out, regardless of what you do. As long as it is your special time together, you feel loved.
People who speak this language of affection feel that love is expressed by being fully present with their partner in any activity. Whether simply watching a good movie on TV or trying new exciting things together, you want to feel that your partner has eliminated all the distractions. Eye contact is especially important for romantic partners with time as their own primary love language.
According to findings from the dating app Hinge, most people prefer Quality Time as their language of love.
Quality Time is a love language that means expecting your partner to prioritize you in their schedule. Plan cancellation — when this is not genuinely unavoidable — to you translates to "My partner doesn't love me enough."
A recent study exploring nearly 50 married couples revealed that time spent talking, sharing activities, or hanging out led to significant positive outcomes. The more time couples spent in quality interaction, the more they reported greater satisfaction with their relationship. They perceived more positive qualities in their relationships than couples who did not spend quality time together. Moreover, they experienced greater closeness to one another.
It is important to note that time spent together is essential for the success of any relationship. The difference for a person for whom quality time is their primary language of love is one of perception. For them, the mental implication is: if you really loved me, you would make time for me.
Primary Love Language: Acts of Service When you consider Acts of Service as the language of love, making your life easier through little gestures equals fondness.
You expect your partner to make your life easier by doing nice things for you. Suppose you are currently uncertain about what to do with your life . In that case, your partner can help you explore and pursue options by taking on more responsibilities and freeing your schedule.
These acts of service do not need to be grand gestures. What you appreciate from these acts of service from a romantic partner is their intention to help out. You believe that love means caring for your partner in ways that would lift the load and ease the stress. In a way, they need to show instead of telling.
So, for you, chores are to be shared to have a harmonious household. A loving partner is expected to do the dishes if you make dinner. If you discover that they put gas in your car, you will acknowledge how much they love and care for you. Running an errand for you goes a long way to make you feel cherished.
When you have a tough day at work, you appreciate it if your partner recognizes the opportunity to relieve some pressure. A massage, dinner waiting on the table, putting the kids to bed, or a night out — any act of service counts. And you will do the same for them.
If Acts of Service is your language of love, you expect your partner to help. But you are also willing to demonstrate love in that way. One study showed how vital compatibility in that way is. People who felt that helping their exhausted partner would exhaust them, too, were less likely to help, and vice versa.
This “You seem tired, but so am I” approach — where helping is seen as a burden — is not a good fit for a person with the Acts of Service love language. When they feel appreciated, something you can do by giving them a hand, and they will be there to go above and beyond for you.
They are the type who will go above and beyond for the people who are there to help them too.
Primary Love Language: Receiving Gifts Receiving Gifts is a love language that involves gift-giving as an indicator of affection.
These gifts do not need to be extravagant. What counts is the time and effort put into choosing the right present.
In 2010, Chapman published the findings on how common each love language was. Receiving Gifts was the rarest — 18% of test-takers had it as their primary preference. Still, all of the love languages scored around 20%, so the difference is not that grand.
The meaning you attribute to gift-giving is why you perceive receiving gifts, as love. The object embodies how well your partner knows you and prizes you. This does not mean that you are necessarily materialistic, but rather the idea that you chose to make an active effort to communicate love in a way that says, “I thought of you when I saw this.”
Suppose this is your way of giving and receiving love. In that case, you probably remember every little thing your loved ones gave you because of their impact on you. Presents are welcome on special occasions as well as out of the blue.
Tokens of appreciation symbolize thoughtfulness. When your partner goes on a trip, you would feel hurt if they came back without a souvenir for you. You would interpret it as if they were not thinking of you.
The research highlighted cultural differences in how gifts are bestowed in romance. Eastern Asians, in particular, were more likely to express love through gifts because they had a self-expressive role. On the other hand, Westerners were more likely to express affection verbally. This finding is something to have in mind when dating.
Primary Love Language: Physical Touch For those of us whose primary love language is Physical Touch , adoration is felt through physical closeness.
Although we usually think of sex as the primary element of physical intimacy, this love language is not limited to making love. Touch can be sexual, intimate, or non-intimate. In any case, such a person wants to feel their loved one close to them.
Passion can be a compelling element of your relationship. If you quarrel, you usually enjoy making peace through making love. Still, not all of this love language is confined to sexual intimacy.
A recent study confirmed that touch universally benefits well-being, even for individuals who value autonomy and distance.
If physical affection is your preferred language of love, you may feel the draw of your partner’s body whenever you’re with them. You want to sit close to them, kiss and hug them, and make love to them. You rub their back, cuddle, touch their arms, whatever is appropriate in a given situation. By doing so, you feel connected to one another.
You don't necessarily even need undivided attention to feel loved. Physical touch can be you watching TV with your head on your partner's lap as they read a book. A gentle stroke of your hair, from time to time, is one of the most meaningful ways for your partner to build a deeper connection with you.
Public displays of affection through physical touch are usually comfortable and even desirable for you. You like the sense of belonging to one another and showing it with long embraces, holding hands, or kissing.
Psychological studies repeatedly support the significance of physical touch for romantic couples. Robust cross-cultural research involving nearly 8,000 people from 37 countries confirmed a strong connection between physical closeness and romantic love worldwide.
Related: 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: Expressing and Receiving Love Differently
How to Find Out Your and Your Partner’s Love Language After reading the description of love languages, you probably wonder: “How to tell what someone’s love language is?” After all, if you are going to be able to communicate in the same language as your partner, you need to know what it is that they speak.
There are several ways to detect your or your partner's primary love language.
Look at Go-To Behaviors The first way to figure out your love personality is to observe how you show people that you care.
Unless we put deliberate effort into speaking another person’s love language, we will spontaneously use our own. This means we will naturally express love the way we want to receive it. So, the next time you give or receive some love, pay attention to the clues about Chapman’s 5 love languages.
Listen to the Words Being Spoken The second way to discover your love language is to observe what you or your partner complain about.
What is it they say they are missing? Not understanding a person’s love language leads to conflicts in the relationship. Therefore, to determine someone’s love language, examine what they object to or say they lack in a relationship.
However, the most reliable way to uncover your dominant love language is to take a Love Language quiz.
What’s My Language of Love? BrainManager’s Languages of Love Test
Why is this important?
Self-assessment is rarely impartial. This subjectivity is a well-known phenomenon in social psychology. Regardless of your determination to neutrally evaluate your behavior, the unconscious mechanisms will unintentionally take control.
If you want to know your love language with certainty, taking this test ensures a valid result.
Our online quiz will reveal your primary, dominant language of love. However, you will also learn your secondary love language. You might use it less commonly, but it still explains how you experience love. Such an overall result enhances your self-understanding for a comprehensive image of how you express love.
Ideally, your partner will also take the test and share their results with you. With this knowledge, you will reap the benefits of understanding your own love language. This includes learning that not everyone shows that they care the same way you do.
Why Is It Important to Understand Your Love Language? Many factors come into play when it comes to the success of any relationship, and this includes our personality and style of attachment . Of all the different personality traits that can be measured , your preferred language of love is one that is directly connected to romance, intimacy, and better communication with your partner.
Knowing your love language is essential for a satisfying relationship. When you gain an insight into what you need to feel safe and cared for, it becomes easier to fulfill your needs . In turn, when you understand your partner’s love language, you can bolster their confidence in your love. This knowledge helps create a healthy foundation for a supporting relationship.
Moreover, much of the outcomes of aligning love languages can serve as a basis for stress reduction . So, you win as a couple and as an individual.
Also worth recognizing is that you do not need to change your love language to enjoy a gratifying romance.
Do not despair if you and your partner do not speak the same language when it comes to love and affection. Compatibility between love languages is not necessary for a happy relationship. All you need is awareness and commitment to recognizing and expressing love in different ways.
Here are several crucial benefits of knowing your own love language.
1. Decreased Conflicts The main reason couples fight is poor communication. More precisely, the failure to communicate one’s needs and perspectives draws a divide between lovers. Most people, especially highly sensitive individuals , have difficulty coping with conflicts.
Avoidable quarrels and dissatisfaction arise when you fail to recognize and express love to one another.
Conflicts are often rooted in misunderstandings. You might simply miss your partner’s demonstration of love because you do not grasp their love language. Not that there is not enough love and care — you just speak another language of love.
On the contrary, when you become aware (and in control) of how you express love, you can communicate what you need to feel safe and loved.
Equally so, when you understand how your partner wishes to receive love from you, you can relate to their worldview. You can show affection in a way that is meaningful for them. And there will be fewer unproductive arguments.
2. Increased Empathy Chapman’s main postulate is not to try to change your partner’s love language.
Yes, clear communication is a prerogative of a successful relationship. However, the chief principle of Chapman’s theory is to try to change our behavior. The point is to be affectionate to our partner in a way they will best understand.
Such an effort promotes selflessness and increases empathy.
Consider that your partner may not feel as loved as they are just because you did not communicate love in a way they can relate to. Without understanding the other person’s perspective and needs, you may feel that your efforts are unappreciated.
One of the potential outcomes, and biggest benefits, is that you will be better able to express love and affection to your partner so that is received in a way that matches your intention. When you know and use each other's love language, you are bound to become more empathetic to your partner. This will also reduce frustration due to miscommunication!
3. Deepened Intimacy Thanks to Love Languages The boost in empathy and compassion will open the path to more direct communication. You will instantly feel more physically connected to your loved one when you explore love languages and implement the simple changes we discussed.
A review of interventions to promote marital intimacy clearly showed that it can be deepened by enhancing several relationship elements — all connected to love languages. In particular, improved communication between partners, problem-solving, self-disclosure, empathetic response skills, and sexual compatibility lead to greater emotional closeness between long-term partners.
4. Better Met Needs Emotional needs are the primary element of a romantic relationship. We need to feel safe, loved, appreciated, recognized, understood.
Unfortunately, much stress and friction in romantic affairs come from being unable to express what we want or have our needs met. This is true under everyday circumstances but even more in times of crisis. Suppose your loved one is experiencing depression . In that case, having you as their confidant is vital to understand and support them.
This is where learning about your love language can help.
You can speak up when you know how you want your emotional needs to be met. At the same time, you can complete your partner’s emotional needs much more meaningfully when you know what they require to see your love.
Limitations of Love Languages Theory Although Chapman’s five love languages concept is a popular theory, we should not consider it the alpha and omega of love. Certain reservations are in order.
Research is Inconclusive Currently, research on these five languages of love is still inconclusive. One of the potential reasons for this state of affairs is a lack of research on the theory, and few peer-reviewed studies. Cultural differences might also apply.
One study , for example, established that aligning partners’ love languages only slightly contributes to relationship satisfaction.
Still, there are also empirical studies that support Chapman’s classification.
Complex statistical analysis was performed in one such research . The findings confirmed that the five love languages correspond to real-life behavior aimed at maintaining relationship quality.
A 2022 study conducted with 100 heterosexual couples also supported Chapman’s thesis. The results revealed increased relationship and sexual satisfaction when love languages were matched.
Love Language Theory Are Not a Fix-All Beware of any fix-all solution or theory, and this includes love languages.
Love languages present one tool that could add to the quality of your relationship. As we said before, thinking about ways to express love most effectively can increase communication, empathy, and intimacy. Research shows that we are likely to feel a boost in loving feelings when we perceive our partners’ attempts to speak our love language.
However, if a relationship is not good, working on your love language will not magically fix it. You would do well to explore the problems in your partnership more deeply. Consider consulting an expert to see if and how it can be improved.
Misusing the Love Languages Finally, Chapman intended to motivate people to be gallant and compassionate. The theory does not promote pushing a loved one to use our love language. On the contrary, it asks us to give love in ways our partners need us to.
Still, we might not resist the temptation of pressuring our partner to use our love language. We may keep a mental record of all the times we used our partner’s love language and compare it to their use of ours. Such inclination could strain the relationship instead of improving it.
Remember, matching love languages is not a prerequisite for a thriving relationship. Keep an open mind and stay accepting and compassionate. Better understanding should be the primary intention behind exploring love languages, not competitiveness and record-keeping.
The Ruling In conclusion, learning about love languages will undoubtedly add to your relationship's quality. As long as you use the information appropriately — to better understand and communicate with your partner — there is no downside. Just remember, actions speak louder than words (unless of course your partner's love language is words of affirmation!).
Use what you learned about the 5 Love Languages types to help you stay dedicated to growing as a couple. Search for more ways to enhance your romance and enjoy the blessings of a loving partnership.
Become Fluid in the Five Love Languages The main takeaway from Gary Chapman’s work is the magnitude of empathy and selflessness.
We hope this article helped you realize that misinterpreting your and your romantic partner’s actions could be the root of many disagreements and misunderstandings in your relationship. Sometimes, this can be due to an insecure attachment style , but even in emotionally stable relationships, there can be communication problems related to love languages.
When you recognize this possibility, the importance of making a simple change comes forth. All that suffices is learning your love language and understanding how it relates to your relationship. We offer you a straightforward tool to explore and become fluid in the language of love.
And remember, love languages are fluid themselves; they may change with time, psychological development, learning, favorable or adverse events, or partners in your life.
So, stay vigilant and observe your needs and responses. Commit to continually growing in love.
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