No love is as unconditional and complete as the one a parent has for their child. We do our best to teach, nurture, support, and protect our children. We want them to be happy and set them on the right path.
But how often do you wonder if you show this limitless love correctly?
Gary Chapman proposed that people experience love in one of five love languages. Not everyone feels loved the same way. In other words, no matter how strong love is, if not expressed in the love language of the receiver, it might go unnoticed or, at least, minimized.
And can children have love languages? Most certainly — yes! Not only they can, but they do. There are 5 love languages of children, and they are crucial in a parent-child relationship.
You need to learn how to speak their love language to show your children unconditional love, appreciation, and praise meaningfully. When we know we are genuinely loved, especially as a child, it helps to develop our sense of self-worth.
In this article, we explain how the work of Gary Chapman on love languages applies to your kids' world and give you practical tips on expressing care the right way.
The Secret to Loving Children Effectively
As we said in the introduction — the main feature of parenting is the unconditional love we have for our children. However, parents are not always effective in loving their children. So, what does such loving mean?
Loving children effectively means communicating emotions and supporting your kids in a way they understand. It means learning to speak your child’s love language.
Good communication in a parent-child relationship leads to many positive outcomes for the child — and the parent, too.
According to research, effective parenting helps children with school achievements and successful learning, leads to lower risks of behavioral problems, and contributes to overall mental health.
Another study showed that effectively loving a teenager leads to better functioning of brain regions associated with cognition and emotions during adolescence.
A study with over 800 participants in graduating university students revealed that parents using Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Quality Time contributed to students’ higher resilience.
Putting effort into loving children effectively will pave the path to your child’s well-being, attachment style, healthy relationships, and mental health in the long run. Research shows that loving and adequate parenting in childhood correlates with positive outcomes in mid-life.
How do we achieve all these benefits and raise a flourishing child — who will become a confident adult?
One of the sure ways to become effective in giving unconditional love to your kid is to explore the 5 love languages of children.
How Love Languages Can Affect Parenting
The notion of love languages was developed by a couples' counselor, Gary Chapman, in the 1990s. According to this concept, there are five main ways in which we experience love. These are:
Original discussions of these languages of love revolved around adult romantic relationships. But in 1995, Gary Chapman and D. Ross Campbell released another bestselling book, The Five Love Languages of Children. Dubbed “the secret to loving children effectively,” we will talk about how each applies to kids in the next section.
What the theory of love languages brings to the world of parenting is recognition of differences in how both parents and children give and receive affection, care, appreciation, and praise.
Your child’s love language is a vital factor in your relationship.
Your child, for example, might not understand that you are communicating love when you spend hours figuring out the healthiest lunch for them — and making it the shape of Sponge Bob SquarePants. They might need to hear: “I adore you and want you always to be healthy and happy!” instead.
Or, they will feel special and loved when you take them to see the newest sequel of their favorite movie and buy them overly-priced popcorn and that cup with the hero on it.
It is not only your child’s love language that affects your relationship. The exchange of emotions is a two-way street.
Your own love language also affects this interaction significantly.
You give love, by default, in your own language of love. You also read into other's actions based on how you expect to receive love. You might miss your child's gentle tap on your leg completely, but they gave you all their love in that moment. You expect them to participate in activities you enjoy with equal zest and thus express how alike and close they are to you.
This is why it is vital to understand your child's love language — as well as yours. You want to recognize how you two may differ and, as the parent, to intentionally communicate love. You can learn all about your love language in BrainManager’s free languages of love test.
Discovering Your Child’s Love Language
You may wonder: “How do I know my child’s love language?”
There are a few approaches you can use to find out your child’s love language based on the model proposed by Gary Chapman.
First, pay attention to how your child gives love — to you or others. This is a fairly direct indicator of how they also wish to receive affection. Do they, for example, make small gifts for you? Or do they cuddle a lot?
Second, closely watch your kid’s responses to affection given by you, other adults, or other children. When do they seem the happiest? What makes them instantly comforted when upset? And what has little effect?
You can also be observant of what they ask for the most, especially when under stress. What do they complain about the most? These comments suggest which love languages they speak.
Finally, bear in mind that we primarily develop love language in our childhood through interactions with our caretakers. So, the best point to start from is determining your love language and exploring if it might be your child’s, too.
If you are unsure how your child experiences love, the following descriptions might help. They are based on the theory of love languages posited by Gary Chapman.
If, after reading this article, you are still not able to fully identify your child’s love language, you might want to experiment with various ways to show love. Give them two options and see which they opt for. Try a mix of approaches and discover which your kid responds best.
Here is how to build a stronger relationship, show appreciation, and praise your children in all five love languages.
Does Your Child Prefer Words of Affirmation?
Children whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation feel loved when they hear you say such words of affection and appreciation loud and clear. They might also ask you if and how much you love them.
Another indicator that this is your child’s primary love language is their use of words to express love for you. As soon as they learn to write, they regularly leave post-its with “I love you, Mommy” on your desk.
How to Show Love to Your Child Using Words of Affirmation
If you recognize your child in the description above, here are a few ideas on how to express care to them:
- Say “I love you” regularly and heartfeltly
- Praise them often and sincerely
- When complimenting them, be specific about what it is they did right
- Decorate their room with encouraging words
- Leave notes for them in their lunchbox, notebooks, or other places they will see when you are not around
- Call them by a nickname only the two of you use
What to Avoid?
Children whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation experience verbal scorn very deeply. Be mindful of how you criticize them when they do something wrong. In their case, the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my soul” is as true as it gets.
Choose your words very carefully. They are highly sensitive to how you phrase things, so use little words and select them cautiously.
Is Your Child’s Primary Love Language Acts of Service?
Children whose love language is Acts of Service know they are cared for when you do something for them. These children feel loved when you take care of things for them and help resolve their problems.
The idea behind this love language is that a loving parent will ensure their child’s life is as comfortable as possible.
For such children, it is all about togetherness. You share the load. This is why they will also express appreciation by offering to help you out with your chores and errands. Depending on their age, they will swipe the floor, put the dishes into the dishwasher, offer to run to the store (when they are older), walk the dog, or help when you repair things around the house.
How to Show Love to Your Child Through Acts of Service
If this is your kid, here are a few ideas on how to show them how much you love and care for them:
- Help them learn a new skill with your positive guidance, such as riding a bike or playing an instrument
- Assist them with homework when they need it and promote successful learning
- Avoid saying: “In a minute” when they ask you to help them with something
- Help your child with a joyful attitude
- Help out with tidying their room if your older kids are having a hectic week
What to Avoid?
It is essential not to go overboard with acts of service. More precisely, make it your imperative to find the right balance between assisting your child and teaching them to be self-sufficient. As much as you want to pamper them, remember that the greatest service you can do is help them stand on their feet as quickly and firmly as possible.
It can also be tricky not to become a butler for your kid. This is a fine art you need to master if your child’s love language is Acts of Service.
Does Your Child Prefer Quality Time?
Quality Time is a love language expressing affection when focusing on one another in a shared activity. For children and parents, this means having good times together, be it simply watching the movies or going rafting.
You will know your kid prefers such displays of love if they object to you not being entirely focused on what they are doing or saying. Such a child will, for example, "perform" for their parents and demand total and undivided attention while the "show" is on.
How to Show Your Child Love Using Quality Time
If you think your kid experiences love through Quality Time, here are a few guidelines and ideas on how to express affection the right way:
- It is not as much about what you are doing but how you do it; full attention is the key to spending quality time with your kids
- When you are talking to your child, stop whatever it is you are doing and make eye contact
- Set aside one-on-one time for the two of you at least once during the day, whether it is for talking or playing games
- Sign up for a hobby or course together
- Spend time in yoga or exercise sessions with your kids
- Run errands together
What to Avoid?
One of the harshest punishments for children who prefer this way of receiving love is exclusion from family activities. For them, time-out is not merely a prohibition to do something. They read into it as a denial of love.
Therefore, come up with other ways to discipline your kid if Quality Time is their primary love language, but spend time together.
Expressing Your Love to Your Child Through Gifts
Receiving Gifts is one of the 5 love languages of children that might easily be misunderstood. Individuals who prefer it love to receive presents and experience love through the tangible symbols of affection.
However, this language of love revolves around consideration and knowing the gift-receiver. It is about embodying the thought of someone.
Therefore, children with this love language need to see you know exactly what they want; thus, you know them and take an interest in their preferences. It is that special token of appreciation they will cherish and keep on their shelf or the teddy bear they will be sleeping with from now on.
How to Show Your Child Love Through Gifts the Right Way
If you think your child might prefer this love language, here are a few ideas on how to implement it meaningfully:
- Give presents as rewards for achievements or on special occasions
- Buy them an inexpensive nick-nack for no reason to tell them you were thinking of them
- Bring souvenirs from travels
- Designate a shelf for their special gifts and possessions
- Frame a photo of their latest achievement
- Bring them flowers or something from nature
What to Avoid?
As we said before, Receiving Gifts is not a love language of materialism. Therefore, be mindful of this prospect. You want to avoid sending the wrong message, albeit unintentionally — and putting a sign of equality between presents and love. It may be tricky, but try to find ways to put the thought behind the gift at the center of attention.
Since children with this love language see receiving gifts as a sign of affection, remember not to miss an important date or event. For them, it would be more than a simple omission. It would signify you were not thinking about them enough to pick the perfect present.
Does Your Kid Prefer Physical Touch?
When Physical Touch is your child's love language, they need your closeness to feel loved. As a baby and toddler, they probably always took comfort in your arms and wanted to be held all the time. They may want to sleep in your bed and sit close to you whenever possible.
For such a child, physical expressions of affection are preferred among the five love languages.
How to Communicate Affection to Your Child with Physical Touch
Any form of touch means love to children who prefer this over other love languages. Here are a few practical ideas on how to mindfully employ it:
- Play physical games like Twister
- Give hugs, kisses, and touches as often as possible
- Snuggle on the couch and read or watch a movie
- Comfort them with caresses or hugs when distressed
- Hug and kiss them goodnight
- Do manicures or pedicures for each other
What to Avoid?
Abusive physical punishment is never the right way to discipline a child.
While many parents differ on their views on corporal punishment, with children whose love language is Physical Touch, you need to be even more heedful of how you use certain teaching tools. In particular, avoid denying your kid any form of physical touch, such as a hug (or other acts of physical closeness) when you are upset with something they did. They might take it as a sign of emotional rejection and be very hurt.
If they seek comfort in you holding them when they are upset, but you do not want to send a message that their behavior was right, try this. Take them into your arms, on your lap, and calmly discuss the issue. If necessary, implement other disciplinary measures, such as forbidding them of screen time or other privileges they usually have.
Give Love Meaningfully and Intentionally by Speaking the 5 Love Languages of Children
Your children, no matter if they are babies or adults, are individuals. They have their unique needs, ways, and expectations. Many relate to your parent-child relationship and how care and affection are exchanged. Love languages are one of the most important constructs of growing up and developing a stronger relationship.
Your child understands love in a particular way.
They speak one of the 5 love languages of children. It might be the same as yours. But it may also differ from how you experience love.
This is why it is crucial to learn what your children's love language is, as well as yours. Use these tips on giving love in the right way, and you will be on your way to raising a flourishing child. Doing so ensures your children genuinely understand the vast love you will always have for them.
When a child or teen feels valued and loved, it goes a long way toward boosting their confidence.
