We've lived to hear that the opposite attracts, but when it comes to love, it's not always that simple.
As humans, we all have our unique ways of expressing and receiving love. A marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, first introduced this concept in his book The Five Love Languages, where he identified five different love languages:
So what happens when you and your partner have different love languages? What if you're a cuddler, but your partner is not? Or do you love showering your partner with words of affirmation, but they prefer quality time?
Is that a deal-breaker, or can your love still thrive despite the differences?
Well, the good news is that it's entirely possible to express love in your partner's language, even if it doesn't come naturally to you.
In this article, we'll explore different ways to express love in your partner's love language and strengthen your bond with them. We'll also touch base on how important love languages are in a relationship and how they can help create emotional intimacy.
Without wasting any more time, let's dive in!
Don’t know your partner’s love language yet? Take a language of love assessment together!
How Important Are Love Languages In a Relationship?
Love languages provide a framework for understanding how your partner wants to receive love. Each person has a primary and secondary love language, and knowing these can help you express your love in a way that resonates with them the most. This understanding fosters better communication, connection, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Love languages also help us identify when we are not feeling loved or appreciated by our partner. For example, if you feel unloved because your partner hasn't given you a gift in months, it may be because receiving gifts is your primary love language. Knowing this can help you communicate your needs to your partner and prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
Understanding each other's love language can also bring balance to the relationship. For instance, if one partner loves spending quality time while the other prioritizes acts of service or receiving gifts, both can compromise and make an effort to meet each other's needs. This gives a sense of fulfillment in the relationship and shows that both partners are invested in making it work — leading to a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
Can Understanding Love Languages Help with Emotional Intimacy?
Besides communication, emotional intimacy is an essential aspect of any relationship. It involves feeling comfortable and connected with your partner on a deeper level, both physically and emotionally. According to Carly Claney, a licensed psychologist, the five love languages are a valuable framework for recognizing the diverse ways people experience intimacy.
However, she also points out that they are not the sole component of a relationship. Emotional intimacy also involves being vulnerable and transparent with your partner, communicating effectively, and showing love through actions. Thus, understanding your own love language and that of your partner can complement these aspects of emotional intimacy and strengthen the bond between partners.
Related: 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: Expressing and Receiving Love Differently
What If My Partner’s Love Language Is Different from Mine?
Before we begin to troubleshoot, let’s not skip the obvious question: Can a relationship survive if the couple's love languages are entirely different?
The simple answer is yes. “It may mean that each individual has to be conscious about loving each other within their love language, but there’s nothing that is necessarily incompatible about having these differences,” Claney points out.
That means, even if your love languages differ, they’re not necessarily incompatible. For example, if your love language is physical touch while your partner's is acts of service, you can still find ways to express love in both languages. A hug or a kiss can be a physical touch for you while doing the dishes or running errands for your partner, which can be an act of service.
Or, if your love language is words of affirmation while your partner is quality time, you can express your love through heartfelt compliments and spend quality time together doing something your partner enjoys.
After all, there’s no actual science behind the concept of love languages — it’s more about how we feel loved, and these ways can overlap from person to person over time since they are not in our genes.
7 Things You Can Do to Express Love in Your Partner’s Love Language
The heart wants what it wants. But what if you fall in love with someone whose love language is starkly different from your own? Does that make you incompatible
No, it doesn't. With a little effort and willingness to learn and adapt, you can express love in your partner's love language and strengthen your relationship.
So, if you're wondering how to cope and express love to your partner whose love language is different from yours, here are seven proven tips that can help you out:
1. Learn Their Love Language
Perhaps you've figured out your and your partner's love languages, but does that make you an expert? Not quite.
Even after knowing your partner's language of love, it may not turn out as you intended if you aren't sure what you're supposed to do with their specific love language. What might evoke feelings of love in someone who values quality time may not hold any significance to a partner whose love language is physical touch.
Therefore, it's not enough to know your partner's love language; you must also learn about it. Get familiar with their primary and secondary love languages and how they can be expressed.
Here are a few pointers you can try as a starting point based on your partner’s different love language.
Try to find out what task or errand your partner has been stressing about and take care of it for them. It could be anything from cooking dinner, cleaning the house, or picking up groceries. This gesture will show that you pay attention to their needs and want to make their life easier, proving that actions speak louder than words.
Set aside one-on-one time exclusively for your partner without distractions like phones or TV. It could be something as simple as going for a nature walk, having a date night, or Netflixing together without interruptions. The key is to give them your undivided attention and make them feel important.
Express love through physical contact like hand holding, hugging, cuddling, or giving a massage. Remember that small gestures of physical affection can make a significant difference to someone whose love language is physical touch.
Tell your partner how much you appreciate them and why. A simple "I love you" or a heartfelt compliment about their strengths, efforts, or qualities can go a long way in making them feel loved and valued.
Surprise your partner by giving thoughtful gifts that align with their interests, hobbies, or needs. It's not about the value of the gift but the thought and effort behind it that matters to someone whose love language is receiving gifts.
2. Compromise and Collaborate
Can your love language change? While it's possible to speak your partner's language of love fluently, especially when involved in a long-term relationship, it's not given. That's why trying to change your partner's love language to match yours is never a good idea. Instead, try finding common ground and compromise in certain situations.
Accept that they may not always want to express love in your language, and that's okay. For instance, if you prefer physical touch while your partner's love language is words of affirmation, it doesn't mean they don't want to hug or kiss you; they may just need verbal reassurance now and then. Find ways to collaborate and combine your love languages to express love for each other.
3. Speak Their Language, Not Yours
The least you can do to express love in your partner's language is not to assume that they understand yours. You may think that making them feel loved the way you want will suffice, but it may not work out as well as expected.
Avoid projecting your preferences or assuming their feelings by speaking their language of love rather than yours. Remember, the goal is to make them feel loved, not to make yourself feel comfortable.
4. Ask Them to Translate
Sometimes, you may not understand why your partner prefers a certain love language over others. In such cases, instead of second-guessing or brushing it off as something trivial, ask them to translate it for you.
For instance, if they value words of affirmation but you can't wrap your head around why compliments matter so much to them, let them explain how they make them feel loved and appreciated. This will help you understand their perspective and make it easier to see beauty in their love language.
5. Be Willing to Learn and Adapt
Like our personalities and preferences, love languages are not set in stone. They can change or evolve over time as we grow. What we may have wanted at the beginning of a relationship may not be the same years down the line.
That's why it's essential to be open-minded and willing to learn and adapt as our partner's love languages may change. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate different stages of your relationship.
6. Use Feedback to Improve
Learning is a continuous process, and nobody becomes an expert overnight. Since you're learning to speak your partner's love language, it's natural to make mistakes along the way. Instead of getting discouraged or stuck, use feedback from your partner to improve.
Keep your expectations in check, and don't expect yourself or your partner to be perfect immediately. Ask them what you're doing and what you can improve on, and ask for help if needed. This will help build a great relationship attachment that’s based on both your love languages.
Appreciate the effort you're putting in, and remember that it's all about expressing love in a way that is meaningful to your partner.
7. Practice, Practice, Practice!
Practice makes perfect. Right? Expressing love in someone else's language may not come naturally to you initially, especially if you have underlying fears that impact your relationship style. But like any skill, it can be learned and improved with practice.
Don't get discouraged if your first few attempts don't go as planned. Keep trying and learning from each experience. With time and effort, you'll become fluent in expressing love in your partner's love language.
Recommended: Date Ideas for 5 Love Languages — Strengthening Bonds One Date at a Time
How Can I Use Love Languages to Resolve Conflicts?
In every relationship, conflicts are bound to happen. However, understanding and using your partner's love language can help resolve conflicts more effectively.
Here's how:
- Identify the root cause of the conflict: Often, conflicts arise when one person feels unloved or misunderstood. Knowing your partner's love language lets you identify if their needs are being met.
- Empathy and Understanding: By understanding your partner's love language, you can better empathize with their needs and feelings. This can help you see conflicts from their perspective and work towards a resolution that satisfies both parties.
- Effective Communication: If you know your partner's love language, you can communicate your feelings and needs in a way they understand best. For example, if your partner's love language is Words of Affirmation, they may appreciate a calm and honest conversation about your concerns rather than shouting or ignoring the issue. If you follow the golden rule of communication and listen more than you talk, you will be well ahead of the game!
- Repairing Damage: It's natural for conflicts to cause emotional damage in a relationship. Using your partner's love language, you can make amends and repair any hurt feelings or misunderstandings that may have occurred during the conflict.
Frequently Asked Questions about Different Love Languages
Hopefully, this information has shown you ways to love your partner in their love language. Before we leave, here are a few common questions about how to show love with love languages.
Do the different love languages apply outside of romantic relationships?
Yes, our languages of love also impact relationships beyond the ones we have with our significant others. They come into play in our interactions with friends and family, parents and children, and the people we work with.
What are some examples of quality time?
Quality time can mean different things for different people, depending on their love language. Some examples of quality time include going on a walk or hike together, cooking a meal together, having an uninterrupted conversation, or simply spending time cuddled up on the couch without distractions.
How can words of affirmation be effectively communicated?
Words of affirmation can be communicated in various ways, such as writing a heartfelt note or letter, giving specific and genuine compliments, or saying "I love you" and other loving phrases regularly. The key is to be sincere and intentional with your words.
Are receiving gifts considered materialistic?
No, receiving gifts is not the same as being materialistic. For someone whose love language is receiving gifts, it's not about the gift's monetary value but rather the thought and effort put into choosing and giving it. It's a tangible representation of love and affection for them.
Is physical touch as a love language only about sexual intimacy?
Physical touch as a love language goes beyond sexual intimacy. It includes all forms of non-sexual physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, cuddling, and kisses. For those with this love language, physical touch is essential for feeling loved and connected to their partner.
How can acts of service be expressed in daily life?
Acts of service can be expressed in everyday life by doing small and thoughtful tasks for your partner, such as cooking their favorite meal, taking care of a chore they dislike, or helping them with a task without being asked. The key is to do these things out of love and not obligation.
