Imagine you're passionately involved in a community project, dedicating years to making a real difference. Yet, someone close to you constantly undermines your intentions, twisting your motivations into something superficial and self-serving.
“You only do this to get attention.”
“I bet you’re just trying to impress someone.”
“Why do you even bother? No one really cares about your efforts.”
Such manipulative tactics can make you question your reality and intentions, leaving you doubting your self-worth.
The central characteristic of gaslighting is that the abusive person makes you doubt your own reality, your own memory, and your own feelings.
Gaslighting comes in different shapes. It is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser creates a complex and bewildering environment of doubt and confusion, making the victim question their sanity. This can be likened to being lost in a labyrinth or maze, where clarity and truth are intentionally obscured. These types of relationships can feel extremely one-sided.
Common forms of gaslighting include denial, where the abuser outright denies events or statements; diversion, which involves changing the subject to confuse the victim; trivialization, which makes the victim's feelings seem unimportant; and withholding, where the abuser pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Gaslighters often employ behaviors such as outright lying, scapegoating, projecting, minimizing, and coercion to further manipulate and control their target.
When this form of manipulation happens regularly, it can severely impact mental health, leading to low self-esteem. But how can you recognize this manipulation and protect yourself?
Allow us to explain and give you real-life gaslighting examples—alongside ways to gain power to deal with it.
Related: 11 Tips for Dealing with Narcissistic Behavior
Gaslighting Defined: Are You Being Gaslit?
The American Psychological Association’s dictionary explains that to gaslight is “to manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”
Strictly speaking, gaslighting is still considered a colloquialism in psychology. Nonetheless, occasionally, it is seen in clinical psychology literature to depict the manipulative tactics associated with antisocial personality disorder. Given the increasing recognition of the adverse effects of gaslighting, we can expect it to soon become a popular research subject.
Earlier, the term referred to manipulation so extreme as to induce mental illness, claim the victim was mentally unstable, and justify the commitment of the victim to a psychiatric institution — similar to the original Patrick Hamilton play "Gas Light" (1938) and its subsequent film adaptations, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity to cover up his crimes (toxic masculinity at its highest form). For instance, a 1969 paper described gaslighting case reports where it was used to fake mental health disorders and secure the victims’ involuntary admission to a psychiatric hospital, usually for abusers’ financial gains.
More broadly, psychoanalysts examined gaslighting from the perspective of introjective defenses against greed, as an example. Introjective defenses are psychological mechanisms where individuals unconsciously internalize others' beliefs or attitudes. This can manifest in gaslighting behaviors as a way to project their own feelings onto the victim.
Now, the term is used more generally. Gaslighting can occur in many different areas and take many forms, such as workplace gaslighting, cultural and racial gaslighting, and medical gaslighting. It can happen in politics when negative stereotypes are employed for ill-intended propaganda.
However, it is most common in romantic and social relationships.
This is where we need to be careful not to overuse it and label every form of disagreement, different perspectives, conflict, or even manipulation — gaslighting. It is normal for perspectives to differ. We also sometimes have different recollections of events. We experience things differently and have different styles of giving and receiving love. It is natural to disagree and be convinced of our stance.
Gaslighting is not that. It is a form of intentional manipulation. Gaslighting is a severe problem and a common sign of unhealthy relationships.
Gaslighting is often a hallmark of abusive relationships. If you are experiencing gaslighting and you are exposed to emotional abuse and/or physical abuse, please reach out to your national domestic violence hotline and seek help. In the US, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
What Are the 4 Types of Gaslighting?
As gaslighting is still not a thoroughly studied phenomenon in academic psychology, there isn't an official categorization. However, several forms of gaslighting can be differentiated based on specific manipulation schemes, for example, denial, diversion, trivialization, and withholding.These tactics are often more subtle and may occur in everyday interactions, making them harder to identify.
While these four types are commonly discussed, it's important to note that more extreme forms of gaslighting, such as reality manipulation and sabotage, also exist:
- Reality Manipulation: Deliberately altering or denying facts and events to make the victim doubt their own memory or perception of reality.
- Sabotage: Intentionally undermining the victim’s efforts or actions to make them appear incompetent or unreliable.
These extreme forms of gaslighting involve a deliberate and sustained effort to distort the victim's reality or actively undermine their success and are often seen in more severe cases of psychological abuse.
It's also worth mentioning that some sources and individuals may refer to certain behaviors—such as blatant deception, scapegoating, projecting, minimizing, and coercion—as types of gaslighting. However, these are actually tactics or behaviors that can occur within the broader categories of gaslighting.
To help you recognize the more subtle forms of gaslighting, we will describe the four types you are most likely to encounter—denial, diversion, trivializing, and withholding—and provide examples of phrases gaslighters often use.
1. Denial Gaslighting
Denial gaslighting is one of the most blatant forms of gaslighting. When pervasive, it instills profound self-doubt in the victim’s mind. It makes you question not only your experiences of events but, eventually, your own memory of past events.
The gaslighter plays a game of convincing you that you have a bad memory. They deny reality or previous events. You suddenly examine your recollection and ask yourself if they might be right. Could it be that your mind is playing tricks on you?
Sometimes, the gaslighter forcefully denies reality; sometimes, it is subtler and less obvious. In the end, you might find yourself questioning your own sanity.
The usual phrases to look for are:
- “That never happened.”
- “That’s not how it went down.”
- “I never said/did that.”
- “You remember it wrong.”
- “You are imagining things.”
For example, imagine a situation where a person insists they never agreed to a specific plan, despite having a detailed conversation about it. They might say, “I never agreed to that trip. You must be mixing things up.” Over time, you start questioning your memory, wondering if you misunderstood the conversation. This relentless denial can make you feel as if you are losing grip on reality.
In another scenario, a gaslighter might accuse you of being unfaithful in a relationship, even though they are the ones who are cheating. When you express your suspicions, they could say, “You’re the one sneaking around. I know you’ve been seeing someone else.” This projection of their own behavior onto you not only deflects attention from their actions but also makes you doubt your own integrity and reality.
2. Diversion Gaslighting
When the gaslighter is not in a position to deny reality directly, they will try diversion instead of outright lying. Diversion gaslighting entails changing the subject, avoiding the conversation, or questioning the victim’s motives for wanting to talk about the issue.
When exposed to this form of gaslighting, you will likely become confused and frustrated because your concerns are never addressed.
The typical phrases to look for are:
- “Why are we even talking about this? There are more important things to worry about.”
- “Why are you bringing this up now? Are you trying to start a fight?”
- “You always find something to complain about. Maybe the problem is you.”
- “You’ve done worse things before. Why are you accusing me?”
For example, imagine addressing your partner about their repeated lateness. Instead of acknowledging the issue, they might say, “Why are we even talking about this now? We should be focusing on our vacation plans instead.” By changing the subject, they divert attention away from the real problem, leaving you feeling unheard.
In another instance, you might bring up a hurtful comment they made, only for them to respond with, “Why are you trying to start a fight right before bed? Given what John's been doing lately, shouldn’t we be more worried about how we will handle that PTA meeting tomorrow?” This tactic not only avoids the immediate issue but also places the blame on you for raising it.
3. Trivializing Gaslighting
One of the favorite moves of gaslighters, who often have a narcissistic personality disorder, is trivializing everything that does not interest them. The formula is straightforward yet detrimental. If an issue does not celebrate them or work to their advantage, they will belittle it.
The gaslighter will make you feel unimportant and invalidate your feelings and concerns. Your self-esteem will erode, and you will lose the conviction and courage to fight for your needs and rights.
Some of the typical phrases are:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “It was just a joke.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
- “You’re being dramatic.”
- “You’re exaggerating.”
- “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
For example, imagine expressing concern about your partner's constant belittling comments, and they respond with, “You’re overreacting, I was just joking. Lighten up!” This dismissive attitude invalidates your feelings and makes you question the legitimacy of your concerns.
In another scenario, you might discuss a hurtful incident, and they reply, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not like I actually hurt you.” By minimizing the impact of their actions, they make you feel as if your feelings are unimportant and exaggerated.
4. Withholding Gaslighting
The withholding version of gaslighting happens when the gaslighter pretends they do not understand you and warps your words, intentionally creating chaos in communication. They might also suggest that it is not the right time or place to discuss something or give you silent treatment. In any way, it is a means to deflect responsibility. For example, they might say, “I am not going to waste time on such trivial discussions.”
Another tactic could involve questioning your ability to discuss the matter logically, suggesting that you are incapable of having a reasonable conversation. In that regard, a paper published in the American Sociological Review argued that gaslighting tactics are gendered in that they rely on the association of femininity with irrationality.
The customary phrases you can hear are:
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- “I don’t want to discuss this.”
- “I don’t understand.”
- “I can’t talk about this right now.”
- “You’re confusing me.”
- “Let’s talk about this later.”
- “I’m not getting into this.”
- “I don’t see your point.”
The outcome is that you feel confused, bewildered, lonely, and misunderstood. With time, you might learn that expressing your concerns is futile and become emotionally withdrawn.
Key Behaviors of Gaslighters: Understanding the Tactics of Emotional Abuse
Before we delve into the four main types of gaslighting, it’s important to clearly define some key behaviors that often occur within gaslighting tactics. These behaviors—such as blatant deception, scapegoating, projecting, minimizing, and coercion—are crucial to understanding how gaslighters manipulate their targets.
Blatant Deception
In the context of gaslighting, deception involves the abuser deliberately lying and repeatedly telling falsehoods to make the victim doubt their own memory or perception of reality. For example, an abuser might insist that a specific incident, like leaving the stove on, never happened, even though the victim clearly remembers it, causing the victim to question their own recollection of events. In more extreme cases, the abuser might hide the victim's keys so they can’t go out with friends, then deny ever seeing them, making the victim doubt their own memory and sanity.
Scapegoating
Scapegoating occurs when the abuser shifts blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for things that are not their fault, further eroding their sense of self-worth and clarity. For instance, if the couple misses an important event because the abuser is running late, they might blame the victim for not reminding them about the time, making the victim feel guilty for something beyond their control.
Projecting
With projection, the gaslighter attributes their own negative behaviors or feelings onto the victim, creating confusion and diverting attention from their own actions. For example, if the abuser frequently interrupts conversations, they might accuse the victim of being rude and dismissive, shifting the focus away from their own behavior.
Minimizing
Minimization involves downplaying the victim’s feelings or experiences, making them feel as though their emotions are not valid or important. For example, if the victim expresses frustration about being consistently ignored, the abuser might respond, "You’re making a big deal out of nothing," causing the victim to question the validity of their own feelings.
Coercion
Coercion in gaslighting involves pressuring the victim into certain actions or beliefs through manipulation, threats, or emotional blackmail, further entrenching the gaslighter's control over the victim. For instance, an abuser might threaten to leave or harm themselves if the victim doesn’t comply with their demands, such as saying, "If you really loved me, you’d quit your job and stay home," using emotional pressure and guilt to control the victim's decisions.
Now that we understand the common tactics used in gaslighting, let’s delve into the specific types and learn how to recognize if we are being targeted by this manipulative behavior.
Negative Impact of Gaslighting on Mental Health
Gaslighting is a subtle and covert type of psychological and emotional abuse.
Romantic relationships are the most fertile ground for instilling self-doubt into someone’s mind in this way. In an intimate relationship, by definition, we are vulnerable. When gaslighting abuse happens when we are in such a defenseless state (no matter how competent or confident we once were), our arms are down. We are exposed to its adverse effects.
Narcissists are known to use gaslighting as a tool for control, but they are not the only ones. When the abuser invalidates the victim’s feelings and their own perceptions through described gaslighting behaviors, a myriad of mental health issues could surface.
Here are some recorded possible mental health outcomes of abusive behavior, precisely when you experience gaslighting:
- Anxiety, depression, and negative self-talk
- Shattered self-image, like you forgot who you once were
- Low self-esteem due to the constant undermining of a person’s credibility and self-perception
- Cognitive dysfunction due to the continuous questioning of the victim’s reality
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) because gaslighting is a form of traumatizing experience
- Loss of trust in self and intentions of others
- Isolation, social withdrawal — either because of gaslighting messages or because of a lack of trust
- Emotional instability, mood swings, heightened emotional sensitivity, and emotional dysregulation
If you're experiencing symptoms of depression, thoughts of self-harm, or feelings of hopelessness connected to a relationship, know that you are not alone. It’s important to reach out for help and support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional.
Remember, your feelings are valid despite what you may be hearing from your partner.
Taking steps to prioritize your well-being is a courageous and vital move toward healing. You deserve to be in a safe and supportive environment where your mental health can thrive.
How to Gain Power to Deal with Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting and its effects is the first step towards regaining control over your thoughts and feelings. You learned about the types of gaslighting and their impact on mental health. Now, you should understand why you got to be gaslit in the first place — so you can break out of it.
According to a 2024 systematic literature review, the balance of power in the relationship is the factor that affects gaslighting. But why?
Why the Gaslighter Has the Power Over You
The power of the abuser who uses gaslighting to shake your mental stability is in their closeness to you. The same factor is also why gaslighting is often a part of domestic violence.
A recent integrative review offers a curious and evidence-based theoretical explanation of how gaslighting is even possible.
Intimate relationships help us form a consistent image of our realities. They fulfill our epistemic needs, which means they provide us with knowledge and understanding about ourselves and the world around us. Therefore, being close to someone (be it a family member or a romantic partner) is a privileged position — a position of power. Such a person can shape and verify our self-views and lived realities.
When an abusive person assumes this role, we are in trouble. The door opens for them to mess with our self-image and experience of the world. They create an alternative reality, one that fits their intentions. With a gaslighter in charge, we get a recipe for viable crazy-making.
5 Steps to Grow Stronger than Gaslighting
The good news is — you can break free from emotional abuse. We will not lie and tell you it is an easy task.
It may very well be the most challenging thing you will ever do, but you can do it.
When you sink into the place of doubting your own thoughts, believing you are a bad person, when your closest person belittles you and makes you question your own perceptions, they never admit their own faults and outright lies to you, claiming you forget events — it is a deep water to swim out of. Yet, the reward is that much more worthy.
Post-traumatic growth is a powerful positive outcome of overcoming abuse. How to reach it?
A 2023 study found that: “those who recovered from gaslighting often emphasized the importance of separation from the perpetrator, prioritization of healthier relationships, and engaging in meaningful and re-embodying activities”.
Therefore, here are the basic steps for liberating and recovering from gaslighting abuse.
1. Separate Yourself
The first and most crucial step in recovering from gaslighting is to separate yourself from the abuser. This distance helps break the cycle of manipulation and allows you to start healing.
Sometimes, it is not possible to completely separate from the gaslighter. At times, you are still not mentally prepared for a clear cut from them. You might also be bound to them by co-parenting or having a business together (and going through workplace gaslighting). However, if you cannot separate from them physically, work on emotional disengagement for now using techniques such as the Grey Rock Method.
Here are a few actions you can take to create the space needed to gain perspective, reduce emotional turmoil, and learn to trust your judgment again.
- Make a decision and promise yourself that you will be the one controlling your life from now on.
- Clearly define and enforce boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation.
- If possible, remove yourself from shared environments or minimize contact with the abuser.
- If the situation warrants it, consider seeking legal advice or protection, such as restraining orders or custody arrangements.
2. Seek support
Isolation is a common tactic used by gaslighters — and abusers in general. The last thing they want you to have is other (well-intended) people’s perspectives. They want to have exclusive access to your mind.
Seeking support from trusted individuals can provide validation, strength, and a sense of community — and open practical paths towards liberation and healing.
Opening up to others can be challenging. Start slowly and choose someone you feel you can trust, someone you know has good intentions and will be tactful. Prepare for questions and confusion. It is natural for people who care for you to have an emotional response to what you share with them. But they will support you and help you regain control and power.
Also, consider psychotherapy’s immense power to help you put things to their rightful places.
3. Engage in healthy relationships
When you start reaching out to trusted friends and family members, you will probably notice that something has changed in you after surviving the gaslighter’s abuse.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. Yes, you might now have trust issues. However, you can now also be more intentional about the healthy relationships you want to build. Define what you expect of people in your life.
Rebuilding trust in relationships is essential for recovery. Focus on nurturing supportive, uplifting, respectful, and healthy relationships. Such relationships gradually reduce the impact of past trauma and help restore a sense of normalcy and faith.
4. Find meaning
You might find yourself questioning your decisions, mourning the time you lost by such a person’s side, and asking yourself why you put up with such disrespect. These are all natural responses to separating yourself from the person who was brainwashing you. Use them to learn something about yourself and grow into a bigger and stronger person.
One powerful question is about the sense of such an experience. YOU decide what meaning to attribute to your past, present, and future.
Transforming trauma into creative power can be motivating and encouraging. Take back the energy and strength you were wasting on keeping yourself afloat in the sea of gaslighting messages and use it to create good in the world.
Pick your unique path and give your experiences a positive meaning.
5. Engage in re-embodying activities
Reconnecting with your body and physical sensations can help you regain control and self-awareness.
Choose activities that fit your preferences and lifestyle:
Exit the Maze of Emotional and Psychological Abuse That's Gaslighting!
Gaslighting is a form of abuse that can deeply impact a person’s mental health, particularly in romantic relationships.
The abuser’s tactics can make the victim feel confused, emotionally unstable, and even question their own reality and memory. Such an experience can lead to serious mental health concerns, jeopardize the victim’s mental stability, and cause trust issues, anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
Recognizing gaslighting behavior is the first step towards reclaiming your life. This article explained denial, diversion, trivialization, and withholding to help you see through different gaslighting techniques.
Remember, building a future after experiencing gaslighting and abusive behavior is challenging but possible. The journey to recovery will ultimately lead to mental health, well-being, resilience, personal growth, and empowerment.
Understanding the abusive person's behavior is crucial in this process. It can help you differentiate between your own reality and the distorted reality imposed by the gaslighter, thereby restoring your sense of self.
Moreover, questioning the other person’s credibility can be a powerful step toward regaining control. When you start to see through the manipulative tactics, you can begin to trust your own perceptions and memories again. You become stronger, and stronger with each day.
Just like finding your way out of a confusing and disorienting maze, each step you take toward understanding and confronting gaslighting leads you closer to freedom and clarity.
Embrace the strength within you and take the steps necessary to heal and thrive.
